Drama Queen Doctors

I've been in hiding.  I was in a black hole of depression and anxiety, but I have climbed out.  Here is where I have been, and this is how it has turned out so far.
I went to the "lady doctor" a few weeks ago.  During her examination, she decided that I should not be in that much pelvic discomfort and suggested I get an ultra sound.  I do have a history of Pre-Cancer cells that were lasered before so she gave me the eye ball, which left me to wonder what that look was for.  So, I get the script for a pelvic ultra sound.
Next, she tells me that she has found a lump in my breast.  The right breast lump was at 5:00, and the left breast lump was at 12:00.  (In placement reference to a clock-face)  Then she hands me a script for a mammogram for BOTH boobs, AND an ultra sound for both boobs.  The script says, "Breast Mass".  She then tells me, not to freak out.  Really?  Does she know who she is talking to??   She hands me paperwork for 5 tests, and tells me not to freak out.
I got home, and did not call to schedule the tests, because I could not say out loud, I have a mass in my breast.  The next day, I did not call either.  That day, I had a complete nervous breakdown.  I do not cry .. EVER.  But I did that day.  The kids were at school, Jim was at work, the TV was off, and I had visions, of my bald head, and my boobless torso, and then my funeral, and then my kids.. and that was that.  Lost it.
Jim came home, and caught me.  He was surprised, because he knows I am strong, he knows that I take all my tests in stride.  What a kick in the teeth.  Every day I fight to beat NF2, I fight to live, I spread awareness, I raise money for a cure, I am winning.. and now, I am going to get taken out by Cancer?  For real??
So Jim says, "Let's go.  Get in the Jeep, grab your camera, I know some place you might like to take pictures."  That is what Jim does.  He removes me from the situation, and diverts my brain.
The third day, Jim was popping in and out, as he was delivering firewood, but still in the those moments when I was alone, I imagined cervical cancer, metastasized into breast cancer, and perhaps all that pain in my back.. maybe those tumors flipped cancerous.  Maybe I was FILLED with cancer.  And here comes Jim again.  And he did the same thing.  Get the camera, let's go, get in the jeep.  
I made all the appointments on the 4th day. All in the same day, one right after another, but they were 2 weeks away.  I planned it that way.  I wasn't ready to hear the news.  And for a few days, I forgot about it.  And just went on, like I never read those scripts.
The day came for all my tests which were scheduled at the same place I get all my tests.  MRIs X-rays, cat scans.. I get everything done at the same place, and so that's where I went. 
When I got there, I handed the girl all my paperwork, and she informs me, that THOSE types of test have to be done at the women's center, which is "out those doors, and through the courtyard"
So I went to the Women's center.  First they did my pelvic ultra sound, and try as I may, those stinkin techs won't say a word.  It's hard to get them to speak.  They are like hostile war prisoners.
I finally gave up.  But I did manage to get the CD.  I have no clue what I am looking at, I see things that fluoresce white, and I see some red markings and measurements that she made, but I really can't drive myself crazy, because I have no clue what any of it means.  
So then, they take me to the mammogram section.  I was given a breast cancer awareness pink robe to wear.  Keep on your bottoms, and take off the top, and put on this robe.  Opens in the front.  So I did, and I went and sat in the waiting room with 8 other women.  Some were bald, some had wigs, and some had hair, but they were all beautiful.  They all had make up on, they had pretty nails, they were reading magazines or playing on smart phones..... but my eyes kept going to the bald head.  And I thought to myself, I do not belong here.  So I got out MY smartphone, and posted to facebook, how I was dreaming about Starbucks.  But no one knew where I was, or why, because I never said a word.  I didn't tell anybody except 3 people what the doctor said to me.  
So it was my turn, and I went back to the mammogram machine.  It was my first time, I had no idea what a torturous device that was.  I should use that thing to get the techs to talk.  It had a digital scale on it.  Are you aware that they have to put 25 pounds of pressure, and squash your boob like a pancake to get a good picture?   I watched the numbers climbing, and I even asked her, "Is that seriously how much weight you are applying to my BOOB?"    Yep, I was correct.
Other boob's turn.  And then she said when she was done, "The doctor is here, she is going to look at these pictures, and if she wants more tests, I will come and get you again for an ultra sound.  So I went back to that waiting room, and sat with those strong women, all in pink robes like mine.  A short time later, she called my name, and low and behold, the doctor wanted the ultra sound.  THIS time, she gave me pretty little pink stickers to use as markers so they could take better pictures, of the evil lumps the doctor felt in my breasts.  
She did the ultra sound, and I kept thinking, "I am here because they saw something on that mamo."  So I felt her keep stopping, and then she'd type stuff into the computer, and I'd think,  "She's on the lump, she's measuring it"  And in my brain, I was measuring how much time I had left.  And all that I had to do before I died.  I had to get the kids pictures all in order from birth to wherer they are now.  Have to get everything organized and in one place so that when they are older, they can find it, and see that I saved their pictures, their school work.. I wondered if they'd remember all the fun we had, or if they'd just remember me yelling.  I told them before, I don't yell because I am mad, I mostly yell because I am scared.  If they can't remember to do something I told them to do 3 seconds ago, will they remember me??  Will they remember our trip to Disney?  And as I sunk deeper into my hole, the test was complete.  Ultra sound was over.  Tech said, "I am going to get the doctor now.  She's going to look at these and be in to talk to you"  I couldn't believe it!  I would know SOMETHING THAT DAY!~?  Great.  So as soon as she left, I took out my Droid, and pulled up pictures of my kids, and I silently apologized for all the times I made them cry by yelling at them.  I apologized to Jimmy for making him finish his dinner.  I apologized to Leah for being short and snappy sometimes.  And 3 seconds later, the doctor was there.
I forget her name, but she shook my hand, and stood in front of me with the tech my her side.  I started at her........and she FINALLY said..... "There's nothing there"
NOTHING?!  "Nothing." (as the tech happily bobs her head up and down)
 Nothing in either boob?!  "Nothing."  
Then what the hell was that all about?!!?!??!?!   She said, "Sometimes breast tissue is just denser in some spots, and it can feel like a lump but it's just tissue.
I just started at her.  And all I could say was, "So, um, can I go to Starbucks now?!" 
And she said yes :) 
 I get to live.  
I told her, I told her that in my head, I was already bald, and boobless, and dying.  
She said, "You have no idea how common that thought process is"  She said, "I hear it every day"  
Over cautious Doctors can cause tremendous anxiety and panic attacks.  I think I wasted 2 weeks of my life dreaming out my death.